When hearing Canada’s highest profile pop export, Justin Bieber, was getting his toolie on at a Gold Coast nightclub with Australia’s future leaders my reaction was less unbridled joy, more Reverend Lovejoy’s wife in The Simpsons exclaiming, “Won’t somebody please think of the children?” But I’m old – well, old by Schoolie standards, and jealous; the closest person to a celebrity that we had when I graduated from school was Joel Turner (who?).
Bieber may have minders coming out the wazoo but that hasn’t stopped mysterious Brazilians posting videos online of the sleeping, apparently post-coital superstar. I worry for the little guy, so here’s some advice for his time with our nation’s bright young things – in language he’ll understand.
1. Never say never, unless that involves climbing balconies and doing facepalmy acts of stupidity. Don’t die for a laugh.
2. Finding somebody to love is fraught with danger. Schoolies is a time to let your hair down, pash and dash and throw caution to the wind. It’s hardly a breeding ground for matrimonial exchanges. With the festivities lasting a week, prepare to ride a wave of hook-up and bust-up emotions.
3. The sun will rise the next day. If you’ve had a bad day, remember there’s always tomorrow or even life after schoolies – shocking, I know.
4. Beware the jealous boyfriend. The week leading up to schoolies might have the highest percentage of breakups in the school year, but this does not guarantee that the person you’ve got your eyes on is single. Tread lightly.
5. Recovery is key. Make sure you’ve got your tried and tested hangover cure. I recommend a cheesymite scroll with an electrolyte-replacing, ice-cold beverage.
6. Don’t be a heartbreaker. Why stop at just the Gold Coast? Schoolies is a nationwide phenomenon. Jump on a bus, or a private jet, which ever takes your fancy and get down to Rottnest Island in WA, Victor Harbor in SA, Lorne in Victoria or chill out in Byron. Share the love, mate.
7. Social media is not your friend. Lighting your fart on fire might be funny for the four others in the room, but when you’ve got 47 million followers, it might not be the one time to set an example, and your arse cheeks on fire, via Twitter.
8. Hold tight to your valuables. There’s nothing worse than being stranded outside your apartment sans key, phone and wallet. That sand might look comfy at 3am, but when the sunrises three hour later you’ll be in Regretsville.
9. When consuming alcohol, responsibly I would hope, choosing your poison can be as easy as a quick eenie meenie miney mo. But remember, if you constantly land on tequila, it’s a one-way ticket to the porcelain throne.
1. The number one cardinal rule of schoolies: No means no. I don’t care how many times you say the words baby over and over again. It does not increase your chances.
If there is one less lonely girl on the Gold Coast tonight, be safe, Biebs.
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